A good influence

 I know I've been referencing my old college blog a lot lately. I promise to produce some fresh material soon.

In the meantime, a recent conversation with Becky and Austin reminded me of something I'd written back in 2008.

Sweat in my eyes. I don't really care. 

I'm sweaty right now. I just ran a mile and did some sit ups and some push ups and core exercises. It hurt. It was great. I can't do the splits anymore. At least, I can get all the way down, but it hurts like hell. But there's still hope. 

My iPod died halfway through, but I didn't notice for a while, and when I did, it didn't really matter. It was nice being completely mindless for a while.

It struck me, as I was walking along an uneven sidewalk early this afternoon, that I no longer care. I've spent my life identifying myself as weird or nerdy or, most recently, awkward. And while I may be all of these things, I think I'm done with categories. It's the cheap way out. An excuse. A reason to avoid taking risks. A reason to run away.

If I act, I want it to be my own action - not the inevitable result of fate. And I want to stop labeling things as awkward. They are what they are. I've let too many things go by, left a lot of things unsaid or undone, or have said or done too much, because of a word. Because of awkward. 

It's stupid to let a word govern my life. 

I realize that being awkward has been a shield. I've held it between myself and everyone else the way some people hide behind their hair, or behind the excuse of alcohol, or whatever other guards we manifest to take the blame instead of us when we fuck up. I've used the excuse before - even recently - saying with a shrug, "I'm awkward," which really means "I can't be held accountable, it's fate, it isn't my fault."
But I think, now, I want it to be my fault. 

My actions, or lack of actions, my words, my thoughts, and doubts, hesitations, recklessness, caution, wins, are my own. When I succeed, I want it to be by my own hand. When I fail, I want it to be me failing. Without grace, without frills or excuses, just me alone. Responsible. 

Austin had mentioned that "awkward is a state of mind". I went back and reread my post and was gratified to realize that, although I've forgotten to keep a weather eye out for self-limiting labels, I've done a decent job of living without them. (Maybe I've gotten a little too self-congratulatory instead.)

At any rate, I hope I can take more risks, live a little more open, let the definition of who I am gain a little more depth, a few more colors.

As maudlin and self-important as my teenaged self might have sometimes been, she was also pretty perceptive. Gotta remember to let her have a good influence on me now.