Variables

Nick and I were listening to an episode of This American Life the other day. I learned that, apparently, a frequent and common sign of autism is a tendency to fantasize about traps.

A woman begins to suspect that her husband may be autistic, so she has him answer a diagnostic questionnaire normally given to children and teens.

"And then the questions started getting just bizarre, where I was like, this must be a typo. I remember there was one question about, have you ever fantasized about making traps? And I said, 'Oh, that must be a typo.' And he's like, 'No, I totally have.'"

Nick and I were trying to figure out why traps, specifically, would be this universal thing.

We decided that maybe it was just an extension of the desire to control or predict situations, particularly chaotic ones. Building a trap to catch, say, a rabbit - that's a pretty good analogy for taking an unpredictable situation (i.e. nature) and carefully constructing a series of logical events (i.e. rabbit smells bait, rabbit approaches bait, rabbit triggers sensor, etc) which lead to an easily controlled and predictable end result (i.e. a rabbit in a trap).

It makes a kind of sense.

It got me thinking about my own tendencies to plan for adventures and disasters. I have fun discussing zombie contingency plans. I like to pack imaginary Adventure bags. What would I take with me on a quest through a vampire-infested city? What would I need on a voyage through Fairyland? What kind of tools would I want to survive an alien abduction?

It's kind of fun, thinking through the variables. It's also nice having these pre-defined worlds populated by monsters with clearcut weaknesses.

Like, if I found myself facing off against a werewolf or The Fair Folk, I could totally handle it.

I think that's one of the reasons fantasy and scifi are so appealing. The worlds they describe follow rules, and if you just learn them, you're fine.  I can understand why people with autism find traps so soothing. If you can just figure out the rules, if you can account for all the variables, everything works.

I kind of feel that way, particularly right now. I'm sort of getting the hang of my new job, but I keep feeling like I'm forgetting things. I don't feel fully trained. On top of this, the girl who also does this job the other half of the week just announced that she's moving to Texas with her husband. So in a few weeks, I'll be the most experienced person doing this job.

The person they're hiring will potentially take over my shift, and I'll move to the other half of the week. I might be a jerk and put my foot down and refuse to change shifts. I've already gotten to know the volunteers on my shift, and the idea of starting what's basically from scratch is hugely unappealing. I just trained for this shift; I don't feel like I have it down well-enough to train someone else for it.

Also, I'm a little concerned about hiring someone who was from the same applicant pool as me last time. I'm afraid that this situation will result in competition - who's doing the job better, who was the better hire after all? I'm not feeling competitive - I just hope the new person isn't, either.

And I can't find my keys. So, in all, I'm feeling a bit unequipped to deal with everything that's going on right now.

I just want someone to hand me a rule book, a field guide to doing this job well, to making the right decisions. If I can figure out all the variables, I can make solid plans
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